First off. I’m gunna skip to the end. I will kick you out for eating in the bed. It’s gross. My partner is crime is lucky she has her own bed. As far as I’m concerned that bed is tainted. To make matters worse it’s 2:09am. McDonald’s was closed. Two drunk fatties seeking food. Willies chicken shack was also closing. Fuck.
I caved and went to the 24 hour cvs and bought the worst fucking dry and lack of meat sandwiches they had. $11 and change on three shitty sandwiches. Tuna salad which was 90% mayo and sadness 9% tuna and 1% celery. A ham and cheese which was one slice of cheese and about 1/10 a pound of salty shitty ham. Two doughnut sticks that are unopened because I’m disgusted with myself. And finally. Finally. 1 turkey and cheese sandwich which has produced more breadcrumbs than I’ve ever seen I my life. This nimble piece of bread has covered her bed. She’s gross. The sandwich is gross. Fuck you cvs.
So let’s back track now. I love this city. Nothing but joy coming here regardless of the sketchy nature that ensues. The pan handlers actually thought I was a local with how I was dressed and walking around. Pretty cool. While I waited for faith to land. I found a shitty place to park my car and the dude told me it’s not a good area to walk around at night. Duly noted. Thank you mr. Spanish man.
Faith took an ass raping of $35 uber ride over to me and we had some beers and headed down stairs for fun. Showing faith the areas where I had precious done retarded things like poured willys sauce on myself and stuffed my cock pocket with mustard packets to eat my kielbasa while hammered were just a few of the sights to see.
Honestly. If you love food. Or good music. Or drinking in a fun setting not filled with assholes or over priced drinks. This is the place for you. It’s a great city.
More back tracking. The drive was 9 hours 15 min from Orlando. I decided I was going to fix my ac and not sweat my nuts off anymore; greatest $40 choice ever made.
I told myself I wouldn’t take more than two stops over the 9 hours and I almost shit my pants for it at one point. My second stop I was holding on because I still had another 30- 40 miles in the tank. But I had to poo. So I finally pulled off and the gas station was 1.4 miles away. Alright. Whatever. However. Let me preface this with gas had been an average of 1.89-1.99 the entire time I was in Florida. On the highway the sons of bitches jacked it up to 2.19. Whatever. It what is it. I pulled up to this gas station and the mother fucker was selling his gas for 2.49!?!!!? He can suck on my small hairy shwantz. Fuck that greedy bastard I pulled an instant u turn and headed back to the highway.
Right before shitting myself I came upon the most beautiful Exxon with an extremely clean pooper. Back to normal. Fantastic.
Fast forward to things I already told you. I find my shittastic parking. Run and grab willys chicken shack. Find out sales tax is God damn 10.25%. Run over to Unique groceries to buy a couple bottles of water and a 24 rack of bud.
Faith makes it then we run down to drink in the street. I see some awesome dude climbing up a ladder to no where. Pictures to follow. Go to a bar. Black shot girl is trying to bang me. Go me. Told me to come back tomorrow. ??
This part is filled with me and faith singing in a bar to live music. Me taking a fantastic selfie because I’m so damn handsome. Drinking beers. Getting shitty sandwiches and then making it back here to be disappointed by McDonald’s. I think I went full circle.
Lastly. The drive was titty. Super smooth. Spend time talking on the phone to my friends Erin and Lj. Mama dukes. Listening to the Joe rogan experience and Doug Stanhope podcast. I think you should check out all of these things.
Check out Henry Phillips. Dude is hilarious.
Finally. No matter what. Keep living your life. Fuck what anyone thinks of you. Unless you eat in bed. Then you’re gross. And you should care that I think you’re gross.
For now. <3
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